My Cousin Bot's Rules for Women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Yes, I do renounce him

Today, I stood before the Church altar once more and stood as godfather to one of my nephews. Michael's son, whom he named Dime Evo-of all names. Dime, perhaps short for Dimebag (Darrell) of PanterA fame, and Evo, I'm not so sure. Maybe Evo came from the Mitsubishi rallye car, but I'm not so sure Mike knows shit when it comes to cars.

As the ceremony was going on, I can't help but hear in my head the "tun-nun-tun-tun-nun-nun-nun-nu-nu-nun" theme from The Godfather. I also imagined all my enemies getting whacked that very moment. Not to mention that I had a hard on all the fuckin' time with all the fine broads that attended this sort.

The day Saint Valentine died

According to the Legenda Aurea , St Valentine refused to deny Christ before the "Emperor Claudius"in the year 280. Before his head was cut off, this Valentine restored sight and hearing to the daughter of his jailer. He's one regular stubborn hard-ass like all the other saints. At least, that's his official Catholic Story--another martyr who died in the name of Jesus H. Christ.

The Legenda does not contain anything about hearts and last notes signed "from your Valentine", as is sometimes suggested in modern works of sentimental piety. Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14 by many people throughout the world. In the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, giving flowers , or offering sweets like chocolate. While the day was originally a pagan festival that was named after the Early Christian named Valentinus, the day became associated with romance in the circle of sentimentalists like Chaucer in the late middle ages, when the tradition of courting flourished. The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines."

Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards. The sending of Valentines was a fashion in nineteenth-century Great Britain, and, in 1847, Esther Howland developed a successful business in her Worcester, Massachusetts home with hand-made Valentine cards based on British models. The popularity of Valentine cards in 19th-century America was a harbinger of the future commercialization of holidays in the United States (wiki).

Like Christmas, Valentine's day is another pagan holiday turned Christian festival turned commercial enterprise. Who cares about the life of that Saint Valentine? Kids think that the cherub Cupid is Valentine anyway. To the older kids, Valentine's day is a log line at the court owned by a certain lady named Victoria. Coincidentally, Valentine's day is also the birth anniversary of my father-in-law. Another day, same shit.

The true Mafia

This afternoon, after coming home from a week-long seminar sponsored by the Judiciary which goals were apparently to inform me on stuff that I already know, I turned on the tele and see what's cookin' on the early evening news. Sure enough, it's still the "LPG Crisis." Womenfolk from Gabriela (an ND [nationalist democratic ] organization of women similar to that of the KMU [Kilusang Mayo Uno], Boyoyong Clowns, etc.) were making a racket with pots and pans in front of the DOE (Department of Energy) building. These ladies (and some men) were also throwing rotten tomatoes at a makeshift DOE emblem and at the latter's center were the faces of GMA (Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo) and Energy Secretary Ret. Gen. Angelo Reyes. The news clip was as funny as a cold day in hell.

Earlier this morning, while I was taking a dump, I was reading the hotel-provided Manila Bulletin. Of course, one can only read the Bulletin while sitting on top a toilet bowl. On its head line was something like "NO LPG CRISIS: Says DOE Chief." The line said it all though. There was no real story, just a goddam quote from a dumb guy who happened to be at the right place at the right time. Secretary Reyes--the unofficial spokesman for the Big Three-- is perhaps the dumbest person ever to hold the position of Cabinet Secretary. Save perhaps maybe, Tito Sotto. Even wacky senator Mirriam Defensor-Santiago is insanely unhappy with his performance, or more accurately, the lack thereof.

The problem with LPG is fairly simple and yet one of the most difficult ones facing our little economy. LPG, or Liquefied Petroleum Gas, is a generic commodity. It is an everday fuel we use in our stoves instead of our cars. Meaning, in like manner, it won't really matter if we use Caltex (Chevron), Shell, Petron, PTT, Red Oil, or UniOil in our cars, as long as we use the prescribed formulation (Diesel, Unleaded, or Premium) by our car's manufacturers. Our stoves at homes won't explode if we use Liquigaz this month and Shellane or Gasul in the next. As long as it is LPG, it would be fine and will still cook our food. Again, LPG is a generic commodity, like water and electricity.

One of the supposed benefits of the Oil Deregulation Law (otherwise known as REPUBLIC ACT NO. 8479 AN ACT DEREGULATING THE DOWNSTREAM OIL INDUSTRY AND FOR OTHER PURPOSES) was opportunity for middle-class Filipino businessmen to participate in the petroleum business. Section 2 of the said law provides: "It shall be the policy of the State to liberalize and deregulate the downstream oil industry in order to ensure a truly competitive market under a regime of fair prices, adequate and continuous supply of environmentally-clean and high-quality petroleum products." But to this date, this is just a pipe-dream. The market is still monopolized by the Big Three, the Tatlong Itlogs, or namely Caltex (now Chevron), Shell, and Petron. How do they do it? By keeping government people in their pockets and the police and military under their strings. They are the true strongest families in the Philippines.

The tatlong itlogs have blindfolded the Filipino LPG consumer with campaigns that misinform the public of the true nature of LPG. They market LPG as a brand commodity. They have made us believe that this product is like Coke or Pepsi, Adiddas or Nike, or Technomarine or Tag Heuer. By manipulating the legislature, these big oil companies have created an indestructible legal armor which protects this wrong notion/belief/idea on the nature of LPG. And as brand name products, they are, in the crossed-eyed eyes of Philippine Commercial Law, under the protection of infringement/patent/trademark laws. Think of the Philippines is the Cuban Dream of Michael Corleone and the paradise of a reality to the Big Three.

Many middle-class Filipino businessmen, supposedly publicly represented by the LPGMA (LPG Marketers Association) have entered the LPG market as bulk refillers or in other words, wholesalers of LPG. They cater to the needs of even smaller-scale businessmen who sell LPG in 11 kilogram tanks retail to you and me. These retailers operate their business by investing on LPG tank containers and then selling them to the public individually. It is of common knowledge that when a household buys, it surrenders their own empty tank together with cash in exchange of the tank filled with LPG. Now, these retailers, as it is in every free market, think of every strategy to earn. Some are unscrupulous and underload their supposedly 11 kgs. tank with 10.5 or even 10 kgs. Yet, some are still honest traders. No kidding.

Nevertheless, honest or otherwise, these retailers all face an inevitable dilemma: If they carry only Brand P, or brand P or C but not brand S, and the household consumer's empty tank is the latter brand, will they accept the empty S cylinder in exchange of the P or C brand LPG filled cylinder? In almost all cases, the retailer does not have a choice. In an atmosphere of stiff, if not cutthroat competition, an entrepreneur cannot afford to lose even one loyal customer in order for the business to thrive. Repeat this situation 365 times and within a year, the retailers' cylinders are a mix of brands P, C, S, and as a result of the Oil Deregulation law, even less-known, but as safe and reliable others such as Bayan Gas, or Tiger, or Elxia, or Liquex.

Here comes the true problem: At the beginning, these retailers have their fill of cylinders from usually one source, either from C, or P, or S. But since they now have a collection of tanks/cylinders that look like a box of primary crayons when arranged in their truck, C or P and S will not accept cylinders/tanks other than their own brands. What to do, what to do!

Here comes an independent bulk refiller. In accordance with reason, he choses to refill these assortment of LPG and thinks he makes honest profit from his business. However, this practice was made malum prohibitum by our unreasonable statutes. As a consequence, these independent bulk refillers are constantly plagued with coercion to bribery, harrassment, extortion, and worst, raids by different "lawful" agencies--on the basis of a very reliable report, of course, by "concerned citizens" who always happen to be paid by either one of the tatlong itlogs.

It does not take one to be of the caliber of the economist J.M. Keynes to realize that: When there are less independent refillers, there would be less supply of LPG. When there is less supply of LPG, the Big Three can control/manipulate the price. When the price is manipulated, they go nowhere but up. hen the prices go sky-rocketing, the people suffer. And when the people suffer, they watch more TV to forget their suffering. And when they watch TV, they see the government saying there is no problem, and "everything will normalize soon.".

Our laws, especially those which have something to do with business, instead of fostering an environment that promote and nurture free competition and entrepreneurial growth, discourage the same and strangles the middle-class businessman before he can become rich so he can become poor again. In short, our commercial laws are designed to keep Filipinos poor. Poor as rats in the sewers of old Quiapo.

But laws, by themselves, however twisted and unreasonable they may be, cannot make people poor. The government (technically, the administration) does. During my short lifetime, there has been as many "Special Presidential Task Forces" and "Committees/Fact Finding Commissions/Investigating Panels on everything under the Philippine sun" as there are craters in the moon. They are, however, all designed with the same vile end in mind, to protect the big businesses which keep the rich richer and the pockets of those filthy alligators and snakes in the government fatter and their hands greasier.

A few months ago, this one government official, whose name and face will be forgotten as soon as the tenure of his little lady boss expires, as leader of the PASG (Presidetial Anti-Smuggling Gang) raided and closed down the headquaters of UniOil with their obligatory show of force through the totting of sub-machineguns and automatic rifles--on mere suspicion that the folks at UniOil were performing illegal activities because they price their gas two (2) pesos lower than the other brands! I understand that there is some "political" shades on this particular act, but the same is happenning all over the country. Those who oppose the powers that be shall be crushed by the very government who swore to protect them.

Caveat to us all who do not conspire with the forces who artificially controls the prices of goods such as petroleum-based products! This administration's messages are very clear: Don't fuck with the hands that feed. Screw Free Competition. Fuck Democracy.

And, of course, Die all poor Citizens a slow, painful death.