Sunday, April 20, 2008

I am Noah


Seven days ago, God Almighty appeared to me. He said, "I am who I am, The God of your father, your father's father, the God of Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham, Ozzy Osbourne, Jimmy Page, and the God of Elvis, the King of Rock n' Roll." At first, I was doubtful because I really thought God was a little bit taller, but when He said he was the God of Elvis...believe me baby, I believed!

In the beginning, I could not look unto his face, as I was overwhelmed by the light that is bright as the noon-time sun which surrounds His face. But then he moved a little bit to the left and then I realized it was the noon-time sun that blinds my vision. I was lying down on the soft grass reading Professor Azucena's little green book on Labor Law.

God is about 5'8" I think. He's about as tall as me, and he has this really bad-ass silver beard like a Hell's Angel or an old-time rocker dude from the late fifties to the early sixties--the moment in time before the age of aquarius and all that flower-power bullshit. If you still don't get it, it's the age before the shitty Beatles. Now that I come to think of it, He has this uncanny resemblance to Jerry Garcia of the great band "The Ungrateful Dead." Yes, God is Hispanic.

God, when He appeared to me, was wearing regular clothes--well, sort of, anyway. He got the 501 jeans on, a grey sweater like that of Jack Bauer of "24" and really cool Nike sneakers which I havent seen before anywhere, even on the internet. That last thing got me thinking, though. Did Nike made them especially for God, or did he get the pair from the future? This question almost drove my mortal mind into the abyss of unreason. I know I could've just asked asked him but I was tad bit too shy around God. I mean, it's kind of awkward if you go "Dear God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, where did you score those really cool treads?" Maybe God has his own SM or Ayala Center up there. Who in the green hell knows? I just realized that it is the coolest thing to be. To be God. In about 3 to 5 seconds of silence, I bowed my head and pray. I prayed that someday, I'd have sneakers like God's.

As I was praying silently, God spoke. His mouth didn't move, he just looked at me-similar to the weird way when you get looked at by a cat, you know you just have to be the one to be the first to break eye contact-but I heard everything he said as clear as when I use to hear things back in the day when I used to smoke pot all the time. The words did not only have a very beautiful resonance but it had color, texture, and taste.

God said "Jorge, I will punish all mankind for they have become unworthy of my grace and favor."

I said, "Oh my God, why?"

God: "Don't interrrupt me when I am still talking!"

Me: "Oh, sorry my Dear Lord and Savior."

God: "As I have said before, I will punish all mankind for they have become unworthy of my grace and favor. Man has become overly sinful all they do is Eat, Fuck, and Sleep. They don't pray to me no more"

Me: "..."

God: "Go ahead my son, you can ask questions now."

Me: "Uhm...how will you punish mankind our Lord?"

God: "I shall let Satan to become the leader of the free world and particularly, here in your stupid little island country, a midget she-devil shall become your president."

Me: "..."

God: "You do not have any questions my son?"

Me: "Well, George W. Bush is already the U.S. president and lola Gloria is ours...I doubt that punishment would really create that big of a swirl in the dirty water, if you know what I mean..."

God: "..."

Me: "What if You let locusts eat all our crops?"

God: "Naw, I already did that with Moses. Think of something else."

Me: "A Hailstorm of brimstone and fire?"

God: "Been there...another..."

Me: "Turn the river into blood?"

God: "Done that..."

Me: "Kill all the first born with creeping death?"

God: "Look, I've already done all that shit with Moses and I don't want to repeat things that I have already done...can't you think of something else?"

Me: "Well let's see, you are God, and you have already done all of the things I could possibly think of. The two great world wars, Jack the Ripper, the Anti-pope, Khmer Rouge, that big blast in Chernobyl back in the eighties, Barry Manilow...I can't think of a punishment to man that you still haven't tried yet. It's not like you haven't been doing stuff. Isn't there something you may have done in the past that you may want to reprise? Pick some shit that people already forgot about, like Mt. Vesuvius or some really sick shit like that. I don't care. Do what you have to do, man, er, I mean, God, the Most High, Supreme Judge and Architect and Judge of all the Universe."

God: "That is right my son, I am God after all. I can repeat shit that I've already done before. What are they going to do if I do it, even if I break a covenant? Who in the hell will mankind pray to? The Devil, Beelzebub? He's too busy doing the same thing--eating, fucking, and sleeping. Why do you think I sent Him to eternal damnation, anyway?"

Me: "Uh, ok...so what do You plan to do Boss?"

Then God said, "Jorge, build an ark." Then he vanished like old Captain Kirk of the Enterprise after saying "Beam me up, Scottie" but in this case, God never said another word. He just vanished into thin air.

It could all be fine, I'd build an ark, please God and all that shit...who wouldn't? Hell, who'd dare disobey God? He could strike you down in one shot of lightning, for all we know. Nevertheless, knowing the inevitable consequences of my actions or lack of the same in the future, I disobeyed God and did not build the ark. The reason being I have less than a month to finish my preparations for the Bar Examinations. I thought, the hell with it, maybe God will ask somebody else to build another ark and maybe I could hitch a ride or something similar to that effect. What can I do, I've got priorities. It's not like was just eating, fucking and sleeping all day. I've got books to read and all sorts of shit to do. I said to myself, let another do God's dirty work. If he is God, He will understand because God is the fountain of all understanding. If He doesn't, then I need not worry, for He is not God.

Sure enough, naglakad ako sa baha the next day.

No comments: